It began in the fall of 2013 with an unsightly bulge, not unlike a tire tube poking through a tire with a gash in it. Yes, it was a hernia or, as those of a more politically correct persuasion would call it, a peroffspringnia. (Please, Mr. Pedal Press Editor, tell me more!) I'd like to say that it occurred as the result of doing something manly, like lifting a 100 pound fully loaded touring bike above my head after dipping it in the Atlantic Ocean at the conclusion of a 20 day 3000 mile cross-country ride, but I'd like to say a lot of things. It just appeared, then disappearing and reappearing again over the course of time, like the full moon, peeking through a bed of fluffy clouds. (Such beautiful imagery, please tell me more!)
I should have taken care of it then, but it didn't really bother me and it was easier to procrastinate. And, of course, I couldn't have hernia surgery during the next cycling season, because I had my priorities. Then I thought about having surgery after the 2014 cycling season, but I decided that having surgery while being treated for blood clots was a bad idea. And, of course, I couldn't have hernia surgery during the next cycling season, because I had my priorities. Finally, I decided that the time had come to repair that gash in my body tire, figuratively speaking, one would hope.
I had planned to have the surgery in November, but I thought that showing up to the evaluation appointment with the surgeon while sick would not be of benefit to my fellow patients. (Please, Ms. Pedal Press Mother Theresa, tell me more.) So, I had to postpone that appointment for a month, and one week before Christmas, I finally had outpatient laparoscopic hernia surgery. This ended my 2015 cycling season, which was o.k. with me.
Except that the weather failed to cooperate. Unlike previous years, I'd be home for Christmas as a result of my surgery. This, of course, reminded me of a Christmas song.
I'll be home for Christmas.
You can cut on me.
Please have ice which would be nice
And Norco under the tree.
Christmas Eve will find me
Holed up in my lair.
I'll be home for Christmas
In my reclining chair.
I had assumed that the weather would be uncycleable (my contribution to the evolution of the English language) during the latter part of December, but I was wrong. Day after day of relatively mild weather and I couldn't take advantage of it. Although if I hadn't had the surgery, I'd be at work and then traveling, so I couldn't have taken advantage of the weather anyway. And I was being greedy, as well. Thanks, in part, to the Fridays that I no longer worked, I had already set a personal record for mileage in a calendar year, so I didn't need more, but the legs want what they want.
So, I gazed wistfully at the e-mail messages sent by riders arranging rides, thinking that I should be riding too. In an attempt to satisfy my craving, I rode my stationary trainer for 20 minutes on Christmas Eve, but there were portions of my body that weren't thanking me while getting on and off the bike. I decided to go cycling cold turkey for a few more days, knowing that the weather would take turn for the worse. And it did, so I celebrated the icy weather with brief easy spins on the stationary trainer; rides where I felt better.
And very soon it will be January, and it is unlikely that I'll be able to do much outside riding anyway. This is just as well, since I'm not supposed to be pushing myself for 6 weeks after the surgery, and I'm not supposed to lift more than 15 pounds. Conveniently enough, our Winter Recovery Party is going to be held 6 weeks and one day after the surgery, so at that time I'll finally be able to perform amazing feats of strength once again, such as grabbing a handful of lightly salted peanuts in both hands, instead of just one.
And armed with this post-surgical knowledge, I'm thinking that it might actually be a good idea to have the surgery during cycling season, as illustrated by the following hypothetical, but entirely plausible, verbal exchange.
You: Honey, it looks like I'm going to have to buy the Cervelo $ Series $googol bicycle.
Spouse: Are you crazy? We could buy 25 Holly Jolly Jackpot lottery tickets every day for the next year with that kind of money!
You: But sweetie, it's for medicinal purposes; those times when I have to load my bicycle in my car! It weighs less than 15 pounds! Doctor's orders!
Spouse: Oh, I'm powerless to resist the force of your logic. As a matter of fact, I think you should buy the Cervelo $ Series $googolplex bicycle!
Alternatively, you could have the surgery in December and then go out and buy a snowblower. That's what I did. But, in case you ever do have a hernia, it's your call.
Rick Whaley, KBC Newsletter Editor